decipher Thyself|Thursday, May 25, 2006
ever since i ended school, things do not seem to go right for me. and i tell you frankli that i do not noe why. it is like...i dun feel half happy most of the time. and it is usually times like this where i question everything. even down to the matter of my existence. i realised that i become easily disturbed. and the feelings inside me are in turmoil. it is like...if i take a dive inside me...its almost like the agitated lava of Mount Merapi. and thus. i conclude...this is getting disturbing. i must find out why i am like this. seriously.i think its because...i cant talk to pple much. i mean yes. of course. my job requires me to talk to pple. but its more of me providing a listening ear. and of course i talk to my collegues. but yeah. i cant suddenly go into my usual crazy self. they would think...i am crazy. i admit i behave differently when i m at home and in school and at work. lets just say...i am craziest in school. and i laugh the most there. at work...yes i am happy. but it is more of satisfaction that i am able to meet or go beyond normal expectations. at home...happiness depends on whether the people around me are happy. because i am the eldest, there are certain stuffs, unpleasant and pleasant, that rub onto me most of the time. and yes. of course. blogging provides the space for me to 'talk'. it seems like there are many pple listening to me talk and it feels good, though probably i am largely imagining. but it still feels good all the same. i dun realli care if pple think i am making myself visibly more transparent. its a process that i like to SEE myself go through.but...a blog doesnt give me a hug when i need one. it doesnt give me the pat on the back when i deserve it. it doesnt give me the shoulder for me to cry on. haha! life can get complicated.
* spoken&willspeakagain*
10:16 PM
