Self-Reflection|Monday, May 01, 2006
i spent one whole day at home today. mugging Population Geography. so far, it has been ok. i like the module. the module has made me reflect alot. well...u noe. its about population. and when population is concerned...it is about women. and i m part of that socially-constructed group. called.
women.anyway...some other issues to write about. i dunno why. i feel so unattached to anywhere. i love home. but at times, it is the very place i want to run away from. i love school. but being there almost everyday suck the life out of me. i tried my very best to make home one of the loveliest place in the world. but sighz. it is a pity that i m still trying.sometimes...i really have this desire to know the purpose of me being born into this world. but i know...only Allah s.w.t knows the reason. am i here to do good? i hope i am...but i m confused. at the state i am in now...am i really here, in this world to do good and get His blessings? why is it that i am always in trouble? i went to ustaz shafi's event at Masjid Sultan yesterday morning. i am thankful i went for the session. he forces us to ask ourselves this one important question, which i think we tend to ask ourselves too much of....and always get the wrong anwers and wont get the right one till its too late. "What is missing in my life?"simple question huh? but can u get the answer straightaway?if u do, good for u.
for me...it took me quite some time. i am a very simple girl by nature. if i have money...i spend on what i need. but most of the time, i dunno what to spend on and i spend on food instead. clothes? my mum nags saying that i dun wear half the things i have in my cupboard. simply because..my life revolves around school and home that i dun think these two locations warrant me a dress-up. make-up? i only make-up when i m going out (not school). which is rarely. perfume and all? they are nonsense. i cant use them anyway. bookS? yeah! but at the moment, i still have books i bought last holidays and yet to read. family? i have a great one. though its filled with down times at times. friends? my friends are a great bunch. i would not exchange them for anything.boyfriend? he is one darling too much too handle... more work? haha! as if i dun have enough. sighz. so what is missing in my life...while i pondered, Ustaz told us this. "KETENANGAN..." (calmness)...and yes. i found my answer. i do feel my life is somehow complete. in terms of physical matters...material wise...and also the love and care from the people around me. but yeah...ketenangan...the calms of the heart...that would make my life wholesomely complete.he shares with us this...that we should leave our lives to Allah s.w.t (Jangan serahkan diri ini pada kehidupan, tetapi hanya untuk Allah s.w.t.). All our intentions, to work or to eat or to study or to exercise or to play...must all be because of Him. He is the one who moves our hearts to feel and minds to think. but in order to allow this Light to penetrate into our souls...our hearts must be clean. avoid sins. multiply ur 'istighfars'...i need to learn to really really head my actions the right way...try to avoid hatred...even the slightest tinge. stop generalising people. just because they are dressed in one way...that doesnt mean they dun pray to and believe in God. (this matter may be controversial for some people and i shall stop here).this entry is not meant to be preachy. it is my blog anyway. thus it is a reminder to myself. that 'Calmness'...that is the GEM that is missing from me. and that i shall strive to get...my dad always said that i have a gift. but he told me to use the gift carefully. he told me to watch especially, my mouth. for the things i said...may just turn the gift into a danger.i hope i can improve. and i know. that the people around me will do too...
* spoken&willspeakagain*
8:10 PM
