|Saturday, August 26, 2006
in life.i just feel like being so rebellious. do the wrong things at the wrong times. i hope my heart has not hardened.u noe. i dunno whats happening to me. sometimes i feel that i am turning heartless. i think i am not feeling. just not feeling. especially towards certain things. i know i am in the wrong to be behaving that way. but i really cant stand the way she is treating him. my angst and frustration welled up and poof. my heart just had to harden yesterday and i was heartless to the core. u think i am not affected by whatever you guys are doing?think again. you think it is not painful to watch you guys scream shout wtv? think again. yeah. it is easy for you to say this....it is none of your business. just concentrate on your studies. stop it lah. be in my shoes. be like me....the spectator. it hurts looking at you hurting yourself and other people around u. LOOK at me. you need to LOOK at me. because i am YOU. i am DELIBERATELY being you. i know this is wrong but i NEED to do it to SHOW you what YOU are like. please. i care about you. i really do. stop hurting him. stop hurting yourself. i know i am not as experienced as you are. but please. for once...do not shut me up when i want to say someting. please do not keep thinking at you are right all the time. sigh. it hurts.
sometimes i wish that magic and miracles can happen. you know....like...take away all these non-sensical things from me. i get tired. and when i get agitated...i feel anxious...and i do the wrong things. and i know i am not like that. anyway...school has been so hectic. the modules are....heavy. and of course. me and my endless readings are always fighting with me wanting to sleep and eat and go for a holiday for a long long time. u noe...i miss the times when i had him around. when i can complain and pour my heart out without boundaries. without being afraid of being judged. without being scared that i would be said this 'it is ok! you will move on.it will take time.' oh hell. i know time heal everything. damn it. the thing is...i am GOING THROUGH it. shall i go and look for a friend to talk to? or shall i open my eyes bigger and realise that THEY are THERE but i am just not confident enough? sigh. i shall see.anyway. i realise there is a lot of ppl to look out for in school. and especially this one particular person. but heck. i shall close my heart each time it tries to open. these heart-y things. i mean... it did hurt before. what makes me think it would not hurt a second time. so yeah. its closed. and yup. i got to talk to Minister Yacobb Ibrahim. u noe...sometimes...i feel so good talking to people who are so learned and have dreams and aspirations not only for himself...but for the society. without compromising religion. some pple..when you talk to them and you look at their faces..you would notice that their faces is so cerah....like ustaz....or pple who are just....good....i dunno what else to say. oh yeah! the post up there?? tts supposed to be last week's post.
* spoken&willspeakagain*
9:17 PM
