|Wednesday, August 02, 2006
my heart has been thumping quite a bit the past few days. i did a silly thing yesterday and i am here...all heavy-hearted all over again. look thru friendster. i realised how easily i was shut out. realised that i m much reduced to nothing. realised that...two years plus were...merely dusts of time...which i had thought at that time were confettis of wonderful memories. i grabbed those confettis so tightly in my hand that i believed they would turn into diamonds. they turned to dusts. waiting to be blown by the winds of yester years.yesterday i fell into relapse again and cried so hard. i reached my room and closed the door and i just stood there and cried. i stood crying and later i sat. by the door. and cried. i was shut out. shut out just like that. i do not know what else to do. how do i deal with this thing. how do i deal with a person i love so much yet... i dont know. im sorry. i just dont know. im still trying to see where i went wrong. im still trying to figure where i could have improved. im still figuring out where i must have displeased. im still figuring out which words i have said that must have hurt.im sorry. just a little too many things on my mind. maybe there are not that many things. maybe i just happen to think a little too much on a few things that it seems like there are a lot of things. im just worried. worried about my parents. my mum. my dad. im worried about my brothers. their future. i m worried. about myself.money. it is missing when you need it the most. and the frightening thing is...you do not know what happens to it. one thing i have been wanting all my life...is financial freedom. it is not about having a huge amount. it is about me handling the money myself. i had enough of pple trying to manage it for me. enough. go figure.i need to go. my body has been weak. my eyes have been tired. my soul has been disturbed. my ankles have been in pain. my mind has been worried. i need to go far. for a long time. my heart...it has been in much confusion. i need to go.i feel like a bottle of champagne, all shaken up. the bubbles *slash* gas all building up. yet the glass is least affected by the tension. the gas is waiting. waiting to go. pop.
* spoken&willspeakagain*
8:42 PM
