|Tuesday, November 14, 2006
and the clock keeps on turning and the world keeps on moving.
a mundane stone of life. rolling and rolling on the bed of the river.
waiting for waves. tiny waves.
or so they say.
sometimes, they say that 'time will put things into perspective'. oh well. does it really?i do not dare deny that. for i have not gone through the passage of time, that long enough to claim that i can overcome life itself. well. i do not think that that should be my aim in life anyway. *suffering from writer's block and struggling my way out of it*i went home with a friend yesterday. and so we shared a few things.
until i heard it from her, i've never thought of Pain as a warning in many dimensions.back when i had dengue, about a month before i sit for my first papers for A-Levels, i used to get quite angry. especially for the 'meaningless' *or so i think* days i spent at the hospital. getting sleepy the minute i woke up, due to the 'take-your-medicine-after-breakfast' routine. having my blood count taken every few hours. having to be visited by many different specialists, ranging from the normal ward doctor to the gastronomic specialist, for they suspected that my gall bladder was badly infected due to the dengue virus. when...all this time spent in the hospital can be used for me to STUDY or do some GOOD REVISION for my A-LEVELS. of course. i was dead scared at that time, looking at all the Ds, Es and Os i attained throughout the year. and so...i started blaming the mosquito for choosing me as it's unsuspecting victim. but you know what, the Wisdom must come from the Old.dad said: "treat this dengue as a break. God looks at you mugging at your wits end and he wants you to have a break. and only through Dengue and being stranded in the hospital...would you then be FORCED to take a break." *paraphrased by me*and you know what, I think i believe that.
then after that, i started being aware of the physical bodily pains. taking them more seriously than before. when i had a flu, i know that i haven been sleeping enough. if i have back pains, it is because my muscles are too tight and that i have been on the computer for too long.but yesterday, after talking to this friend of mine, she told me this..."do you know that ANY form of pain at all....is actually a sign for us to slow down and take a break and be MORE aware of the people around us?" and i was deep in thought after that. "hey maly... even your HEART pain is a sign." and i was in deep thought again.I think now i get what she means. when i thought i was in pain, such that i thought i was hurt due to a relationship break-up because i thought that ALL my dreams are SHATTERED and therefore that hurt so much, i realised that...it was actually a sign for me to stop. and look at myself. and look at others around me. i know that now, i am able to move on. dad used to tell me that i will meet many people in my life and one day, he said, i will find the one i am meant for.and i trust dad. and in these five months i have been mourning over the ordeal, i didnt realize that i have been missing on a lot more things. i've been missing my parents' dependence on me. i've been missing my bros' love and how they need me around. i've been spending too much time thinking about the ordeal that i think i have neglected my studies to quite an extent. which is something that i love doing. the Pain that i went through make me look at things in retrospect, much to the contrary that i would like to believe. it is only when i was in Pain...that i took sometime to look at MYSELF. what are my strengths. what are my weaknesses. have i been doing things right. or have i been much too ignorant for my own good. and on a personal basis, i finally understand why the break-up has to happen. it is because...We have been inflicting too much pain onto each other. far too much. after these five months, i do still harbour him a special place in my heart. i love him still. i still think highly of him, because really....he is a really nice guy deep down inside. and yes. he does put others above himself. which was why i fall in love with him in the first place. but this does not mean i do not allow myself to love someone else. he is a remnant in my life, a teacher in my life journey. and me...a mere student grappling with life's inconsistencies and learning well from his teachings. now that i am able to articulate it....able to express it and make people understand it...I have therefore...learnt. and thus...i am moving on.geared up to be Me...now that i have learnt a little bit more about myself. Pain is necessary. and it sure takes Time to heal.
anyway, i uploaded a poem.
dianfatehah.livejournal.com
title: Enough
* spoken&willspeakagain*
4:28 PM
