|Tuesday, November 28, 2006
and so 'ilhan' said that i sound like a schizo...and so be it.because u noe what, i think deep inside...no one is really normal. haha! okok. forget about what i just said. that is a line from one of my lit texts tested yesterday. anyway... let me just tell you a few of the things i do during the exam period.1) cut my hair: cutting of my hair is almost ceremonious because year in year out, it has always been done during the exam period. because that is when my hair is most unkempt and to prevent myself from pulling them out of my head, i went down to the hairdresser and cut three and a half inches from its original length. that is quite a length, mind you. and i told the hairdresser to make side-part it, and thus. i look glamorous *laughs out loud* and i feel that a glamorous amount of BURDEN is off my shoulders. see. the joys of hair-cutting.2) Vanilla COKE: i bought soft drinks. yeah. those fizzy gassy ones. and i indulged in 2 bottles of Vanilla Coke over the span of the weekend. and that....MIND YOU....is a lot considering the fact that i hardly drink soft fizzy unhealthy overly-sweetened drinks like that. the closest i would get to a soft fizzy drink would be Heaven & Earth Green Tea or Pokka Ice Lemon Tea. but then again, VANILLA COKE is heaven. i would not mind if the guy who wishes to marry me, buys for me cartons of VAnilla Coke as part of my hantaran. cool.ok. just kidding. do not take me seriously.
3) GO out : well...yeah. i went out. on saturday...i went for a late brunch with my brothers. and at night,i followed my family out for dinner. and on sunday, in the morning till early afternoon, i was at Tekka Market, bargaining for bone steak for my uncle's wedding. not a bad deal. and then i went home alone. and later in the evening, i went to west coast park to meet my parents and later...to west coast food center. so...all in all...i spend about more or less...less than 5hours of EFFECTIVE mugg for my exams...which is this week.4) TV and DVD: i watched A Beautiful Mind on Saturday night and X-Men (the latest one) on Sunday afternoon. enough said.ok. and so i conclude that i am ineffective at home during exams.
anyway...i wanna say something else too.
yesterday was a MONDAY. and i encountered three intense feelings the whole day, that of panic, relief and frustration.PANIC: damn. in the morning i woke up with so much panic that i had flu. sneezing and sneezing and so i had to go back to bed. i was scared for the paper. because it was my worst lit module. 20th century writing. boy. and it doesnt help that mum keep harping on the fact that i am scared because i am less prepared because i am always busy with other stuffs. oh well. it is ok. i will try and understand your position. you are just worried with uncle's wedding. RELIEF: alhamdulillah. the paper was good. it was certainly WAY better than expected. the trick is...READ ALL your literature books and poems. and write well. and do not panic. it feels good that my premiere paper is good. once again, thank you mum and dad for praying for me. FRUSTRATED: sigh. i do not know how this part is going to coincide with the previous two categories but nonetheless...i need to rant. my parents softly and politely and nicely told me that they do not allow me to go to aceh. *try to imagine my reaction after hearing this...knowing that the trip is in A WEEK's time and i have spent $145.50 on vaccinations and that the team is all RARING to go and that my team leader has been facing lots of problems trying to get the admin matters going and that i NEED to go there to rejuvenate* what? i screamed and shouted? nope. i was like...' so now what do you want me to do?'sigh. their reason: because they had a premonition that something bad is going to happen if i go. sighz. tell me. what should i do now. i need to go. as of my previous posts...i need to go. my trip to ACEH last year was so so wonderful. there...my phone does not ring. i do not need to check emails. i sit by the spiritful beach and the waves voluntarily pulled my problems away into the open sea. i got no problems. time makan, makan. time tidur, tidur. i feel so peaceful. the people there gave me so much hope...i returned to my homeland...a different person...and now...what am i to do? of course. one side of me pushes me to follow my parents' 'intuition'...and another side tells me to...think. it is always easier to heed my parents' heartfelt feelings. but sigh. is there another way around this? my mum said..."why dun you terima takdir? your parents have these bad 'feelings'...why not you heed it?" please. help me. i am now having my exams. why didnt you tell me this EARLIER on? it is not fair to my friends who have been planning it. you said that i prioritize my friends' feelings instead of my parents'. but tell me. am i wrong to feel this way? you asked if it matters that i didnt go? goodness. this is a trip to aceh...not to the supermarket below. i go not for the sake of going. i go because i need to. because i have to. because i promised the kids there that i will be back. and it is so nice of you to say that so carelessly...if it matters if i do not go? you guys feel safer if i am under your eyes. and so if i am near you, YOUR hearts will be calm and it doesnt matter if my HEART is not? i have made up my mind. i wont go then. and i'll just...follow whatever you guys say. because...indeed i have no more strength to go on fighting. because, i see no point. either way...i hope that eventually i am IKHLAS enough to let EVERYTHING go...and thus, dear readers, my day ended in tears. i am fighting the slightest way possible. simply because, i am just too tired and too weak. i am strong enough just to breathe. not even strong enough to take in huge breaths and gasps. year 2006. it has been so trying. i foresee i will end the year...tired and tried. Ya Allah...berikanlah aku kebaikan dunia dan akhirat. Amin.
* spoken&willspeakagain*
10:47 AM
