|Friday, November 24, 2006
dunia ini bak suatu permainan. sometimes the game can be so enjoyable. you keep on winning. even if you didnt win, if it was a happy game, u'll feel satisfied. but the opposite can happen. and when that happens, you will feel so dissatisfied with yourself that you tend to put your past laurels behind. people always say....happiness is a choice. yeah man. tell me about it. semestinya kebahagiaan itu di tangan sendiri. oh well. i tried man! tried to be happy and deal with things my own way. ergh. but the world is not cooperating. yeah yeah. i know i should not blame it on the world. but hey. be in my shoes. i know the amount of effort i put in. i know the amount of effort I put in. and it is DARN tiring I TELL you. i am drained with fatigue. nausea. pains. i tried to get away for a teeny-weeny while. just for exam period. full-stop. but gosh. they keep coming back. hahahaha! what is this...God's way of telling me that no matter what they are part of me and that i MUST learn to LIVE with them, whether it is hard on me or not? sighz.i understand. He wont test me if I am not able to take it...but dear God...are you sure i am strong enough? because...I feel weak...and so...delicate. it is like....i am in a liminal state...the WORST pain to feel...is to know that you are going to die but that you are strong enough to regain your life. to know that you are at your wits end but you cant lose it all because you know you are capable to standing back up again....it is the struggle that is painful. not death. i woke up each day just to bury myself in my books and the knowledge so that i will be engulfed in awe by the complexity of it all. and looking forward to sleep because there....i am blissfully alone in a realm of utter otherness. i dont have to deal with my heart. i just...sleep. sigh. come on maly. there is more to life that what you think.i know, i know. i keep telling myself that but it is a real struggle i tell you. how about your parents? your siblings?well. they require me on a different level. and i cant seem to treat them like a friend. they are...my parents. come on. you know how strong you can be. you know that you can stand up on your own two feet. i know. you do not need to tell me so. because i do know these things. i seriously do. i have seen the strength that God bestow on me. but tell me. what is my ultimate aim in the end? i can sure stand up. and i can sure walk. but for how long can i walk? and for how far?i dunno. for now, i just want to go to Aceh. and be alone. with other lonely happy people in the world. and learn happiness from them. that is my short term goal for now.
* spoken&willspeakagain*
10:26 AM
