Ok yes. I did think of closing down my blog. And maybe have a private one. Man…I have not written a single thing for almost one week. And frankly, I find that confusing. Because it does implicate a few things. Sigh. I think it is scary because I m very attached to my blog. It is like my best friend. When I write something in it, it is as if I am talking to it. If Freud suggests ‘talking cure’, I am beginning to think that it is one way I cure myself of hysteria and stress and sorts.
But I have begun to feel uneasy about the private-public status of my blog. Some of the entries do contain some of my intimate thoughts. And nowadays I feel wary about writing with any level of intimacy at all because…those who read my blog know who I am. We met in school. We are friends. We are acquaintances. And of course, when one reads my blog, one does not distance the entries from the author who writes it. Then people will tend to link the events to my daily life, to my daily moods, to my daily habits…yeah yeah. There is no way I can prevent that from happening, I’m sure. But then again, I am not sure what has happened but I am beginning to feel increasingly uneasy about it.
Anyway, I decided not to give it all up. It is MY space. * and yes I know. As much as it is other’s.* I see what I can do regarding the uneasiness thing.
The first two weeks have been rather hectic. And that is without tutorials, mind you. the readings are fast coming in, like SPAM EMAILS. The lit texts. The immense tourism geog readings. Freud’s dream analysis. And notes. I may sound like I am complaining… because I am. *ergh. Why in the world am I talking in circles. No head no tail. What the… ergh.* and tutorials are starting this week. But my time table is not that bad. Sufficient time to do readings in between lessons and still manage to go home and slack a bit, help mum, help the youngest one with his homework, etc.
pbm..has been going on well, alhamdulillah. Events are well forming its shape slowly but well. But I still have things to think about. At times, frankly, things can get really frustrating. I have to be honest with you regarding this. And possibly that is one of the reasons why my blog is just stagnant the past few days. I find reflections important. Do you not think so? Because reflections keep a check on you. unless you are the type who prefers to just let your life be decided by the tarot cards. I do appreciate impromptu-ness. And really I do. And I am adaptable to that. On a personal basis. But seriously, there are certain contexts for you to frame that mindset. Not for all times. Because you are heading a society. If you fail to plan, it just means that you plan to fail. Yes. I am uptight at times. I am serious. I hardly laugh. I hardly make jokes. If you want to know, that is not me. but that is how I plan. That is how I focus. *except for pesta pantun, of course. I cant deny that that was my best team ever. Five tiny skinny people. who work wonders. And I miss them. So much.*
It is just that, I think I have grown pensive. Ever since last year. Ever since the library gang starts to disintegrate bit by bit. Ever since everybody starts taking up the different posts in the different CCAs. Ever since everybody starts becoming more and more…busy. With studies. With personal life. With responsibilities. And of course. Ever since there is no more ARTS canteen. No more regular breakfasts with the usual peeps. No more lunches. See…God can remove everything from you in a glimpse of an eye.
So now, I find refuge at home. If there is really no business for me in school, I’ll just head home. At least, there is my youngest brother who still makes me laugh and shine on me hope. There is still my mum, with whom I can talk to always. There is still the other bro, who always find comfort in confiding in me his problems, happy moments in school. There is still my dad, to whom I always give a playful punch. During those pensive moments in school, I realize that I found home. Sometimes I do feel frustrated. But who cares. Tell me. Who does. Maybe if I am them, I would be like them too. Now I realize, that I do not want to be like that…because at times, they do cause unintentional pain. Because the pain is unintentional, then it is really up to me to deal with the pain. I need to change. Not them.
Oh well. Too many readings for me to worry about those things. I was watching a drama one day. The scene was about this guy, who refuses to acknowledge his mother’s existence because she left him with another family when he was very young and didn’t care for him till then. I like his brother’s words to him:
“Your mother has made a mistake by abandoning you. But God never makes a mistake by making her YOUR mum.”
Beautiful, isn’t it?
It is the same with everything else, isn’t it? God never makes mistakes.
Web Cam, Mic, Headphones
Black Jeans
A part-time job in a bookstore
Increase CAP!!
Honours
21st Birthday
New Zealand