Sometimes I think that my blog has become such a public space. It is like…everyday I saw the numbers on the blogpatrol go up and up and I am amazed. Who are these people who read these ramblings. Why do they read them. What makes them think that they ought to read them.
Sometimes I do hope that I can make my blog a private space for myself. But the uncanny thing is, I think that intrinsically, the point of having a private space is for it to be public one day. You do want people to know what happened, what is happening and what you wish would happen, in your life. When I was younger and was manually writing IN A DIARY, I did remember desiring for my parents to chance upon my diary and read it after I die. And even now as I keep some of my notes from friends, and scraps of papers, and pictures that I love and so I hid them…I do hope that they would find joy in going through the boxes in my room and reading and looking at those things. To me…I think it is just my way of telling them “hey…thank you. I kept what you have given me. And I kept reading what you have written of me. You made me happy.”
And so I figured out that… the reason why I have a blog and take upon myself a responsibility to update it often, even though it may be just complaints and whatever, is just that, it is a space for people…to just know me. And maybe know themselves better. Some entries may be half-truths. Some entries may be half-lies. But does it matter? Since we are all living people…we connect to each other through each other’s stories of happiness, desires, pain and sadness. Isn’t that why we make friends, yearn to talk to our parents, seek help from professionals…isn’t that why people read stories and watch movies. To connect with any life story at all, from the past or the future.
Anyway, the past few days have been pleasant for me. And walking in school doesn’t really emotionally affect me anymore like the previous semester. And I think I know why.
I had a bad start to the previous semester. It had been an emotional rollercoaster ride. With few peaks and deeper trenches. No doubt it has affected the overall outlook I had on life, at that time. I felt apprehensive of my abilities being a president. I was scared of taking my lit modules. I felt afraid. And kept being emotionally depressed, thinking of whether I can pull through things after being so emotionally dependent on an other. I remembered the frequent lapses I had. The frequent snaps of emotional breakdown. The frequent shying away from central lbry. Just because. And I realized that it REALLY affect me…and my goals. During lessons, I was not paying attention. My mind often fluttered to dreamland. I often could not catch what my lecturer was trying to say. And yeah. My grades suffered. Terribly. Cried often too. Much too often.
But now that the first week of school of the second semester is coming to an end, I think I have just felt, like the way I was during the first day of RGS, the first day of NJC and the first day of NUS. Rejuvenated. Purposeful. And I know I will end another life chapter, with a good ending.
To not be afraid before doing new things. To test my boundaries and extend them. To set out to do what I KNOW I can do…and not be afraid again.
Yesterday a friend asked, “so maly, are you looking for a boyfriend?”
And I confidently replied, “having a boyfriend and PBM is too much to handle at the moment! ”
haha! And on my way home, I chuckled to myself. I know the Special Someone will come. God-willing, He will always give the best. And you know, sometimes when you pray to God to give you a friend, pray that He will give you the BEST friend, to accompany you in this WORLD…and also in HEAVEN later.
And that is the true meaning of FOREVER FRIENDS.
Labels: life stories
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