Sometimes I wonder why God allow some things to happen and happen again in my life. After I wished for things to stop happening…they happen again. People walk in and out of my life as if I am a swinging hotel door. Just like a hotel, where each person who walks through it makes a difference, the people around me make differences in my life. Maybe small. Maybe big impacts. You may be a person whom I see always sit at the same spot in the library. Trust me. I will adore you in some way. You may be just the girl who I always see during lunch. Trust me. There are aspects of you which I will admire and aspire to become. You may be just a person who never knew that there exists me. Trust me. There are things that I learn from you.

And Just as I thought I am comfortably settling down, rest assured, I need to be up on my feet again.

****I have never thought that I would exist again in your mind. For I thought that after six months, you have successfully ousted me out of your life. I do not know what makes me feel that way but I think it is a strategy for me to just…hypnotize myself into thinking that there is no way for things to be back to how it used to be. That there is no way for me to build again the dreams that I had once hung up on the walls of my ambitious mind. Like I said before, my heart is closed…and it is hardened. Six months is enough for me to feed my heart with enough nourishment so that it will become so toughen up. And hopefully…so strong. I fear so much to go through the pain again. And that is why…I choose to not let anyone win me again so easily…like I did once before. Well…my heart is just closed and hardened. But it is not locked. U can try knocking. U can try knocking today. And go home. And come again in two weeks and knock again. And go home. And come again in two years…Maybe I will answer. Maybe I will not. It depends. It is a level-playing ground though. Like I told you before. I am still afraid, of opening the door again. To anyone at all. It will take time. Some time. I hope you would forgive me…****

Sometimes in life, there are many crossroads for you to encounter. And beyond each and every crossroad, there are many other junctions for you to consider. Life is a game of choices.

Yesterday I was inspired by an ex-teacher. And I saw many teachers who are excited to try and impact the lives of their students. I hope that I can impact the lives of these students too. If not all, then maybe a few. If not a few, then maybe a couple. If not a couple, then maybe one. If not one, then maybe just impact certain moments in their lives.

Now the challenge for me is to manage my time and my life well. I really really pray that I have been doing things well for pbm. I hope that if there are any mistakes that I have done wrong, I would know early enough for me to rectify them. I do not want to leave office regretting. I need to manage my time well, with studies (for I want to proceed with honours and seek knowledge and be a good ‘pendidik’ to my students and my children in future),with pbm (I think only God knows why I am heading it), with the tuition that I am taking up soon (part of the reason is for me to earn some income to help my parents, part of the reason is for me to get used to classroom management, and there are some other reasons too), with my personal goals (of going on exchange, of upgrading myself in terms of religious knowledge, of really trying to become the ‘wanita yang berakhlak, anak yang solehah, ibu yang penyayang dan isteri yang setia dan sentiasa mendampingi suami dan keluarga’ which I really really hope to be)…

These are just humble aspirations. I know that there are those of you out there who have similar aspirations above. Well, I wrote it down here, so that I would be really clear of what I want to do with my life.

I am an easily satisfied person. You…you know how easy it is to make me happy…just a simple phonecall can make me smile like a fool all day long. Haha…sometimes I think I am crazy.

Ya Allah…Engkau dampingilah aku dalam usaha-usaha ku Ya Allah. Sekiranya apa yang aku inginkan akan membawa kebaikan, aku berdoa agar Engkau menolongku melaksanakannya dan akan memberkatinya dengan segala rahmatMu…sekiranya apa yang aku doakan akan membawa aku lebih dekat dengan kekufuran, Engkau pimpinlah aku ke jalan yang diredhaiMu. Amin…

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