|Wednesday, March 07, 2007
i was looking at my name on my laptop screen. malyanah. it suddenly seems so alien to me. i dunno how to describe it but i feel like i am alienated from my own name. i almost could not recognize it. this uncanny feeling was almost funny. sometimes i wonder if my head is where my feet are. meaning...when i am standing upright, is my head together with me? because at times i feel headless. i know i am physically present but i do feel that my mind is just not there. tak tau lah hilang ke mane. i could almost feel it fly away into the distance and enter into my skull again. as and when it likes. man. such weird feelings i have been feeling lately.i wonder again...if i am actually put up for literature. i enjoy it. but i seem to cannot get the edge over the rest. i think it is because my mind is always constantly tired. think about this. think about that. man. am i actually legitimizing excuses? i think it is because i am not reading enough. i am not keeping up fast enough. i was thinking...maybe i did take a wrong major. maybe i should have taken malay studies instead. u noe. to be the typical cikgu melayu. haha! and why in the world did i try to convince myself right from year one that it is PERFECTLY okay for me to do something that interests me even though i am FULLY aware of its DIRE consequences in the event that i slack and do not bother to work harder than the rest? blegh. i am rambling. endlessly. the visit to muhammadiyah boys' home yesterday reaffirmed my stand to be a teacher. i do not know how good a teacher i can be...i just thought that...i can give my students some hope. in case just along the way, they decide to give up for a while. teaching is fulfilling. it makes me happy. and i want to be happy. i realized this is a redundant post. or is it? tired mind. filled with fatigue thoughts. Labels: headless
* spoken&willspeakagain*
5:58 PM
