|Sunday, April 15, 2007
yes. well. i cant promise that i would not write again since my exams are darn bloody near. nevertheless, it doesn't hurt to therapeutically write again and again in this bloggy space of mine, does it? i mean...you guys still do come back to read what i write even though you guys are mugging for exams right? haha! okk. me and my ego. oh well. my tiny ego. oh well. *rotfl*i want to tell you guys that i am really thankful that the friends that i make in NUS are such great friends. they are really the people, with whom i really can have great, idealistic yet practical discussions. and the topics that we do talk about range from LOVE CRAP... all the way to COMMUNITY concerns. ever since the library gang got disintegrated bit by bit, i have been happily spending time with fadzli and ridhwan. lol! i think it is because the three of us seem to have common break times and maybe because i took a computing module with wan. haha! and our wednesday mornings in the trains are the crappiest. wan talks about how he wants to do a thesis paper entitled "THE UNACHIEVABLE DREAMS OF THE MALAYS" and i mention how I would VOLUNTARILY write a foreword for that paper, telling people not to bother to continue reading his crap. *see ridhwan. i am already doing it. will do anything to defend my bangsa. hehe!* and then, just last wednesday, we were talking about ministers' pay rise. i was talking aloud, saying that i would not know what to do with that great amount of money. so i thought of giving out scholarships under my name. i.e. Malyanah scholarship. to help needy students. haha! *eh..korang jangan ketawa tau. nanti betul2 aku ada rezeki lebih..boleh aku tolong orang yang nak tuntut ilmu tetapi tiada kemampuan. insya'Allah!!* not only that. our tuesday lunches were among my best moments in NUS this semester! the three of us would sometimes try to SEE into the future. we were saying that possibly, most of us in our batch will become community leaders. and if ever all of us do, we can really tag on the different expertise. me aka teacher i.e. education system. ridhwan aka ustaz. i.e. muis. sufian aka social worker. i.e. mcys/welfare. fadzli aka sociologist. i.e.mfa, mha. and the list goes on. and since we are all good friends, our jobs will be easier. haha! cool eh. and of course, we do crap as well. we talk about marriage. love. girls. guys. animals. btw, wan is disintegrating in form. lol. this is an internal joke. only me, wan, fadz and lin understand. we talk about animals too. always. *hahahhahahahah! its so funny!!* my pbm peeps, like kamal n rawi, they have great views too.some are political. but some are just about life mundane. and if ever you chance upon their blogs, i think you should read their every single entry. the language is nuanced. the content is fruitful.and this past few days, me and fadz have been sharing our views on love. haha! not exactly a stupid topic to talk about actually. i realize that LOVE is a topic in which you can NEVER get answers for. suddenly we talk about ideals etc. i realize that...what we think is Ideal for us, may not be Right. a guy may have the ideal qualities that you desire for. he may be pious. he may be so caring. he may be able to come up with nice surprises for you. but he may not be right. he may not be the right one for you. unconsciously, no matter how many ideals you tick off your list when you are looking for a life partner, i think...you will never get him. or rather, somehow, you will feel that he is not that right for you. and you will say "i think you deserve someone better." you will feel so inadequate in comparison to him that you think you do not deserve that person. and then....you settle for the Imperfect. but the uncanny thing is...it is the Imperfect who makes you so comfortable. who makes you so happy. so tell me. is Love all about narcissism? maybe. possibly.but since Love itself does not wish to give me answers, i shall not ask for them. but can you see this notion of Ideal in the bigger picture?i think in this life, we are just meant to EMBRACE the IMPERFECT. you may say that you are having a perfect life now, but believe you me...something will tend to go wrong somewhere. we are never meant to seize the Ideal. NEVER.because the Ideal is only God, Allah s.w.t. We must somehow or rather taste discomfort. that is why we have conscience. that is why we have feelings. for us to innately feel sad or angry or depressed or displeased. beneath the smile of everybody, there is always...a tinge of...the imperfect gut. :) even as i am writing now...i sense these different senses in me. while i am feeling happy that my dad is coming back tomr, i am feeling scared because exams are coming, i am feeling apprehensive because i havent gotten my allowance from my parents, i m feeling delighted because tuesday is coming and i look forward to teaching my kids, i am feeling sad that money keeps depleting, i am feeling...feeling....feeling...we are all imperfect beings, arent we?Labels: ideals and imperfection and friends
* spoken&willspeakagain*
7:13 PM
