illness washes your soul|Thursday, May 10, 2007
i do have a benign fear, everytime i get fever. because i had dengue once before. people may say its nothing. it is nothing as hazardous as SARS. its nothing as serious as a cancer. its nothing as humiliating as AIDS. but it can kill all the same. symptoms of dengue: fluctuating fever. rashes (they can just be red patches or spots on your body. they do not need to itch). vomiting. nausea. body aches. dengue is harmful. your blood count and ESPECIALLY your platelet levels will be very low. once your platelet level is low, you are very prone to internal bleeding because your blood can no longer clot. i've missed death once. i remembered it all. badly bruised arm because of the every-few-hours blood count. i went for many x-rays. many tests. i felt so weak. i slept at night and in the mornings. and in the afternoons. i was having the time of the month at that time and having it concurrently with dengue didnt help. blood. blood. blood everywhere. blood flows out of me. blood is taken away from me. and so i've missed death. God is giving me a warning. Health is not always there for me to keep. and play around with.and u noe....now my grandfather has just been diagnosed with dengue. i feel so sad. and so worried. my grandad is not as strong as me. he has high blood pressure. he has diabetes. his body immune system is low. i am worried for my grandmother. i am worried for my mother. because my grandparents trust her the most. she now needs to go back and forth the hospital everyday till (i pray hard) he is discharged. Mum. do not worry. Thank God i have my three months break. i'll be around to help where i can. Atuk... yan selalu doakan yang terbaik... semoga atuk cepat sembuh. semoga atuk diberikan kesihatan. yan nak atuk datang ke majlis konvokesyen yan. yan nak ambil gambar dengan atuk... u know, i am very thankful to God...for giving me the kind of life i have right now. i realized that...He never gives me too much of everything. i hope He will never give me too much of anything.i hope He gives me as many failures, as successes. so that i will always remember that my feet is always on the ground though my hands can reach the stars.i hope He gives me as much tears, as smiles and laughter. so that i will always remember that my smiles and laughter will always be purer when they come by.i hope He gives me as much poverty as wealth. so that i will always remember that money cant buy everything in the world. i hope He gives me as much rage, as calmness. so that i will always remember that rage is tiring and calmness is eternal providence. too much of one thing, anything at all, can kill your soul. if you mix around too much with MPs, u are too high up there till you forget the earth you step on, that the lower classes are there in their places because they are not hardworking enough. if you mix around too much with the lower classes, you will always think that the government is against you and is not helping you enough. if you mix around too much with smart people, you get jaded easily with all these social constructs and academic arguments.if you mix around too much with stupid people, you will keep thinking that you are so stupid and useless. if you mix around too much with the old makcik and pakcik, you will keep thinking that youngsters nowadays are rude and not appreciative. if you mix around too much with youngsters, you will keep thinking that values are meant to be changed and rules are meant to be broken. if you mix around too much with religious people, you will keep thinking that everything is God's will and that all bad people will go to hell and pray that 'God will do unto you what you do unto others'. if you mix around too much with non-religious people, you will keep thinking that everything you do is forgivable and is all based on nawaitu. i think now i finally understand what moderation means.
* spoken&willspeakagain*
11:27 PM
