paintbrush. Me and Me and NO MORE Me ONLY|Sunday, July 01, 2007
Let me just get straight to the point. It was in just less than 24 hours. And it had been an emotional rollercoaster ride. One minute I was up. And the next…I was down. And… boy. It was an experience. An experience that required no fancy adjective to be attached to it. It was a simple experience.
One that I needed.
One that I tried to evade all these years and yesterday, it came landing on top of me, pinned me down and made sure that I was so immobile that no ounce of struggling was worth anything at all.
One that made sure I listened FIRST before I talked.
One that made sure I thought TWICE before I spoke.
One that made sure I repeated the words THRICE in my head so that I was certain what it was all about.
First. Twice. Thrice.
Sekali. Dua kali. Tiga kali.
How apt.
How necessary.
How important.
But I missed all those all these years. I forgot how important all these things were.
I have forgotten to LEARN from my mistakes. I have forgotten to LEARN from my previous pasts and experiences. I have forgotten to LEARN. And instead, all I have been doing all this while was to be so overly cautious and paranoid and in the process, I have inevitably deprived other people from learning too. I was merely on guard. I was merely avoiding.
It was freaking three thirty AM in the morning and there I was lying on my bed reflecting on how my 21 years would have nearly gone to waste. If yesterday didn’t happen. I had been an idiot, if you asked me. And I admitted I had been one all along. Selfish idiot. The thing is … LEARN from your mistakes. LEARN from the past. And do you know what I have been doing? I have been reading those mistakes like it was some random sentences on some HDB noticeboards. I have been reading those ‘pasts’ of mine like they were some plots from some Shakespearean masterpieces. I was merely reading. Not learning anything at all. J. Oh how smart.
I have been up there for too long and have forgotten how it is like to be down there. And yesterday, the wind up there decided to shake sense into me and I fell. Fell because my feet down there gave way because they were complacent and not strong enough. I lost my footing and fell…I felt like I was in a gyre. Falling into the fathomless spin of air, waiting to be smashed into the ground. I was surprised. It was the same wind which swept me up again and made sure I didn’t fall like I imagined.
EGO. I have that big E-word. I think I should throw EGO away from my life. It made me blind. My senses numbed. My heart hardened. And my soul emptied. You think I am exaggerating. But I think…all this while, why I haven’t been on good terms with my mum, was because of my ego. Why I haven’t been the person I actually am, was because of my ego. J My ego was bringing me nowhere and yet I was using it as a defense mechanism. oh my goodness. What was I doing...
i think i now know what i am supposed to do.
* i do not know why but i am a different person when i am with you. my layers of added skin were suddenly stripped away. i laughed like i have never laughed before. i sang though i sounded awful. i smiled so widely, in ignorance of my surroundings. my heart felt almost free. why is this so? *
I want to share this poem with you. It is called, THE PAINTBRUSH.
I keep my paintbrush with me,
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show me to you,
Afraid of what you'll do,
That you might laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all of my paint coats,
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You're my friend pure as gold.
I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
And hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy,
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true.
But I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
Until I love me too...
*i want to rewrite the last four lines. in due time..*
* spoken&willspeakagain*
5:05 PM
