AWAY WITH SADNESS|Thursday, August 30, 2007
I know that this is my third post for the day, but I do have bugging concerns to lay down. I mean…I just can’t seem to hit my school lecture notes or my readings, without talking or writing about these concerns. Do not worry. My studies are fine. Or so I wish to think.
I admit that I have not been in the right colour these few months. Hardly would a day passed by without me thinking about certain things that make me feel very apprehensive. Readings are piling. But I can’t seem to be able to hit the books in the appropriate attitude because of my incongruent moods. Lessons have been interesting but oh so challenging. But I participate more this semester though. At least, I can hear more of my own voice. Haha! It is also partly because my lecturers this semester seem more brilliant and more approachable.
Today had been an off-colour day. The colour was dark and gloomy and almost spelt out impending-death. I was wearing pink and white and this VASTLY contrasted with my murky mood. I was in school and was not in school at the same time. My mind was just elsewhere. Because I had only a 2-hour lecture today, I spent some time, thinking.
As usual, I was lost in my own thoughts. It was tiring. In the midst of reading my notes in the library, I was spending more time and energy practically pulling back together my thoughts which were prowling all over the place. In the end, in the span of two hours, I only finished 2 short stories which were less than 15 pages altogether. Talk about staying back to study.
I reached home by mahgrib. And I was sitting at the dinner table, fiddling with my rice and chicken; I suddenly asked my dad this. “Dad, when you were holding me as a baby then, did it ever cross your mind at that time that I would grow up and actually turn 21?” My dad looked at me and said this. “Time flies just too fast.”
Do you all realize that it is September on this Saturday? And since it is September, it will soon be December? For me, insya’Allah if I am going to New Zealand (if my partner uni accepts me), I have effectively about less than 4 months at most…to spend with my family, beloved, my friends and my cousin. Wow. If I cancel out fasting month…and exams that will end by 1st week of December and preparing for term paper submission and tests, I only have about 2 months.
Remember the quote from that Mitch Albom book which I placed up here a few entries ago? The one which says... “It’s such a shame to waste time. We always think we have so much of it.” …
Sometimes, without us realizing, we spend more than half of our day, occupied with negative feelings. Negative feelings such as anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, worry…all these negative emotions make us feel so tired by the end of the day. Before we know it, the day has ended and you have gone to sleep and tomorrow arrive. You have just wasted one day. I don’t know where I am driving at with this entry. But I do know that…I want to make full use of my remaining time. Lets say I get to leave for New Zealand. I want to make sure that my four months here are happy ones. I don’t want to waste anymore time making stupid mistakes, making people upset, feeling angry, dissatisfied or depressed. I don’t want to leave, in regret. Regretting that I could have used the time to be happier and to make people happy.
People close to me would know that I would not give anything up without a fight…without giving it my all. Until I have used up each and every bit of my strength and could not find any other possible way out, I would not turn in. Same with Love.
Fadz asked me, “So…what or when is your ALL?” and all I answered was… “If I can put a name as to when I have reached my ALL, that is when everything has already ended.”
So the point of this entry is…I don’t want to be sad anymore. you geddit?
* spoken&willspeakagain*
9:44 PM
