GIVE ME ONE MOMENT IN TIME|Monday, August 13, 2007
i have been thinking a lot these few days. while waiting for school to begin. sometimes, people call it a 'break'. you know what a 'break' does to you. all aspects of a 'break', that is. at least to me, it makes me 'think'.
i realize that i like to reflect. but at the same time, i hate to reflect. i realize that...I NEVER get answers for my questions. and it frustrates me. it always does. i have a low threshold for uncertainty. i think...that means that my 'iman' is not that strong yet. Man is tested by God in very different ways. And for me, I do always feel that I am not up for it, when He tests me. but i kept trying. kept trying to not meddle with fate and TRUST the future because the future is ultimately in HIS hands. but...I am still not that strong enough. not that strong enough to TRUST the future. but i tried. and i am still trying.
A lot of things happened. and i thought and thought about them. but the thing is, the real thing is...I do not think that i know what i am actually thinking about. why do i reach this conclusion? because...every time i think i have something to think about...i kept thinking and thinking about it but somehow or rather...I reach no conclusion. I reach no answers. and then i went on with life. but did i even subconsciously learn anything? I hope i do.
and do you know that when i am in this situation...what i do is... I will read books. hoping that the books i read will give me answers. not directly. but do you know what i look out for? i look out for nice lines...nice quotations in books. lines that will make me think.
yesterday... i read..."FOR ONE MORE DAY" by Mitch Albom. below are the few lines that i picked out. because...I find them relevant to what i was thinking about. these lines were helpful. because they help me understand...why i am feeling this way. right now. at this moment.
-- She put one hand on mine."When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times."-- "It's such a shame to waste time. We always think we have so much of it."and that is why...reading and writing mean a great deal to me. and that is why, i do feel that reading and writing are such an essential part of my life. i hope i will never stop reading. i wish that i will never stop writing. because my readings and my writings...they make me. and i make them.
i have been much too busy with other things for the past year. I have missed out a great deal on other parts of my life. the past few days, i spent a lot of time with my family. and you know what? I felt like an alien. i felt so...outcasted. i took awhile to understand my brothers' jokes. it took me awhile to understand that...my parents miss me. and for those who knew...
I think that is probably why God tell me to...''take a break. slow down. pace yourself.''
because my family...is not ready to miss me. again. and that...until i learn to console and truly make my family BELIEVE that no matter how busy i am, they are NEVER forgotten, and that I'll always be PRAYING for them...until i reach this stage...I should not be allowed to...fall in love doing other things.
but then again...matters of the heart.
I happen to love. and indeed i do love. can i stop myself from loving?
I dun think i can. but what i think i can do is this...that...I can love and care for both.
and i will try my best to do so. until i lose my last breath...
sbb sayang kepada bonda tetap bersemadi di hatisbb cinta kepada kekasih masih berkuntum di hatisbb kasih kepada Ilahi termaktub di sanubari.awak...awak ingat tak..
seekor ikan menjadi saksidua wajah tiada berpaling pasangan mata tiada melirikhanya kedengaran kekata diucaphanya kedengaran tawa sukapasangan mata tiada melirikdua wajah tiada berpaling seekor ikan menjadi saksi
* spoken&willspeakagain*
12:21 AM
